


Jaw-Dropping and Dramatic

by doofnpuss



Series: Black Wedding [5]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: M/M, human!perry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-23 16:06:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16622105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doofnpuss/pseuds/doofnpuss
Summary: When Perry is assigned to a new nemesis, Heinz isn't very happy about it.





	1. Once Upon

**Author's Note:**

> This is a continuation of a series, but can be read on its own.

Perry entered his lair with a certain level of suspicion. Major Monogram had hinted, ever so subtly, that the news he was about to receive would be advantageous for his career. But everyone knew Major Monogram was never always in touch with reality. His indifference to the basic understanding of human emotions was one of the many qualities that made him such an amazing major. 

“Ah, Agent P, you’re here.” The man announced as Perry turned on his computer screen. “I’m sure you’re wondering about the upgrade I promised you. Carl, slideshow, please!”

“Yes, sir.”

A picture of abald man in a tight, yellow and green latex suit filled the screen. This was obviously a mugshot, as the man’s face held a certain air of smugness that made Perry’s skin crawl. 

“This is The Regurgitator. He was captured due to a scheme involving smuggling mass quantities of prescription drugs into the state. He’s been held in our local prison for the last couple years, until last month, when he was released on probation. We’ve located him just outside the city borders, hiding under the disguise of an old warehouse. While his behavior during probation has been spotless thus far-“

Perry raised an eyebrow. He didn’t like where this was going.

“-we believe that he’s got something up his sleeve. We want you to infiltrate, find out what he’s up to, and put a stop to it.”

“Yes, Sir..?” Perry replied slowly.

“Ah, yes, the upgrade.” The major continued. “Because of this new development, we are officially promoting you to The Regurgitator’s new nemesis, and downgraded Dr. Doofenshmirtz to a minor threat. That means more hours, but better benefits, and, most importantly, better pay. Congratulations, Agent P! And good luck!”

The screen went dark, right as Carl stepped into the picture. Perry didn’t waste any time in grabbing his hat and heading for his jetpack. It bothered him that this news wasn’t making him as happy as he would have thought. Isn’t this what he wanted? To move up in the agency, become the biggest threat in the community, to achieve honor for the evil he’d managed to snuff out? 

Heinz Doofenshmirtz would be upset. Or maybe he wouldn’t. Perry couldn’t dwell on that now. He had a new villain to confront. 

The Regurgitator’s warehouse wasn’t anything amazing to behold, despite the fact that the man’s file stated he liked a jaw-dropping and dramatic atmosphere. Perry snuck around through the back and dropped into the air-vent. He managed to squeeze his way to the basement level, before popping out into an entire underground lair filled to the brim with expensive equipment. 

Ah, there’s the dramatic. 

Suddenly, the agent gasped as a pair of robotic arms circled around his wrists and dragged his body against the wall, securing him there. He wriggled underneath the weight, but found his efforts pointless. A figure emerged from a rising cloud of fog, clapping slow, with an ugly smirk stretched across his face. 

Perry felt that chill run down his spine. 

“I am the Regurgitator!” The man cried, throwing his hands in the air as the loud crash of an orchestral crescendo filled the room. Did the man install hidden speakers just for this bit? “And _you_ must be Perry Greyson, my new nemesis. Like my trap? It’s made from steel infused with-“

Why did this man’s rambling drive him crazy, when Heinz’s voice never seemed to bother him? Perry shifted his attention from The Regurgitator and began to scout out possible weaknesses in the robotic’s arms design.

 

 

* * *

 

Heinz liked Monday mornings. There was just something about the fact that almost everyone in world hated Mondays, that caused his evil inspiration to rise to an all-time high. Heinz was frantically searching for ideas on the internet, when there was a knock at his door. 

Upon opening it, Heinz discovered a large gift basket sitting on his doormat. Odd. He picked it up and glanced over it, looking for some kind of prank hidden within. When he didn’t find anything, he picked up the note attached to the handle. It really was a nice gift basket. 

_"We regret to inform you that due to The Regurgitator's recent evil behavior, you have been downgraded to a minor threat. If you believe this to be a mistake, please fill out the included appeal."_

“A minor threat?!” Heinz cried, slamming the piece of paper on the floor. “Regurgitator. Ugh, well there's a lot of weirdos out there.” It wasn’t hard for him to find a link. “Oh, here we go. He has his own blog. _The World's Most Evil Villain_?!”

Heinz couldn’t believe Perry would just up and ditch him like this. Maybe it wasn’t the man’s choice, but surely, Heinz deserved more than just a note? Although the gift basket _was_ nice.. No. This didn’t sit right with him. And he wasn’t going to be a doormat any longer. It was time to show The Regurgitator that no one could steal the nemesis of Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz!


	2. A Nemesis?

Heinz was a lot more confident when he’d been sitting in his room, ranting to his empty compartment and immovable computer screen. Now that he was standing in The Regurgitator’s lair, confronting the man face to face, he felt a lot less powerful. 

It just wasn’t fair. This man had more muscle than he did latex to cover it, and his face, though not beautiful by relative standards, carried a certain brutality to it that made him naturally intimidating. No wonder Perry had ditched Heinz. 

“So, you’re that disturbed lunatic from Danville.” The Regurgitator snarled, flexing his fists, almost in a way that he seemed unaware of it. 

Heinz forced himself to look the man in the eyes. “Ah, so you’ve heard of me.”  
  
“Yes, and you’ve heard of me!” That awful music and lights affect blasted off again, causing Heinz to cringe. 

Then Heinz’s eyes landed on a familiar face in the background. Perry was well and fully trapped, staring at the two of them with an impossible to read expression. It put Heinz on edge. He could never tell what the man was thinking. Was he glad he was here? Or angry? “Oh, you’ve already captured Perry. My, you do work fast.” Heinz commented dryly. 

The Regurgitator handed him a clipboard. “Why don't you fill up these forms and I'll consider you for a three-year internship.”

Heinz sputtered. “I am not here for an internship!”

“Oh, then why _are_ you here?” The man’s voice got quiet all of a sudden. “Because if you are having any ideas of stealing back _my_ nemesis-“

“He’s _my_ nemesis!”

The Regurgitator spun around, suddenly bringing attention back to Perry. “Well, agent? What do you have to say about this?”

Perry glanced between the two, still not giving away any clues about his thoughts. But a beat later, he dropped his gaze and let out a shrug, turning his head to look away from them. Heinz’s heart dropped. So Perry really had chosen. 

The Regurgitator chuckled, the sound comparing to nails scratching against a chalkboard. “I’ll still let you consider the internship, if it’s worth anything. I _do_ have uses for nemesis rejects like you.”

Heinz growled, suddenly more angry than he could ever remember being, and smashed the clipboard on the ground, stomping away.

 

 

* * *

 

Perry wanted to beg Heinz to come back, that none of this was his fault, but he kept his mouth shut. This was just the way things were, and Heinz had to understand that. Besides, their relationship was only a professional one; there could be no emotions attached, good or bad. It was just better that way. 

The Regurgitator began launching into an extended explanation of his evil scheme. Perry tried not to roll his eyes at the sheer stupidity of it all. Until, he had an idea. A slow smile spread across his face. It was time to ditch this guy.

 

 

* * *

 

Heinz would never admit that instead of storming back to Danville, like any other sane person would, he sat sulking in his car at the warehouse parkinglot, trying to control his intense anger and disappointment. He hated this feeling; it was one he was all too familiar with, and one that usually controlled every scheme he ever created. But what good was an evil scheme without a nemesis to challenge it? 

Should he go back in, and demand? No, he didn’t have the power. Maybe he should go back and create the power. But undoubtedly, despite how advanced Norm, The Regurgitator had an army with five times the robotic might. Was he giving up? Why bother. Perry had already made his decision, that much was clear. 

Feeling the self-hatred wash over him, Heinz turned the truck on and pulled it into Drive. However, right as he was about to leave, there was a massive explosion that puffed massive volumes of smoke into the sky, straight above the warehouse. Heinz suddenly started laughing as he saw Perry, wearing a jetpack, dragging The Regurgitator by the heel, and spinning him around like a rag doll. 

The man in latex was then thrown to the ground, merely feet from Heinz’s truck. Perry swooped down and waved. 

“Hey! Help me drag this douche to O.W.C.A.’s prison. It isn’t that far from here!”

Heinz was so bewildered, he didn’t question it, and pulled the truck in reverse as Perry picked him up and dumped him in the back. The man was out cold, but it probably wouldn’t be long before he woke. 

Perry hopped in the back and they sped off towards the prison. 

“What was _that_ all about?” Heinz cried as he drove.

Perry grinned, with that smirk in his eye that promised a challenge. “You’ll see.”

Just as they were about to reach the front entrance, a groan resounded from the back. Perry’s face dropped, and he pushed out of the car and activated his jetpack again. The Regurgitator groggily screamed, and lunged at Perry, pulling the car to the right and almost jerking it out of Heinz’s control.

“Hey!” 

A fight began to ensue, with both parties pulling out weapons and blasting them at each other. Heinz managed to wrestle the car back on the road, breathing heavily as they neared the gate. He brought the car to a screeching halt. 

“Perry!”

The Regurgitator had jumped out of the truck and was yanking Perry by the shoulders, throwing the man from the air and slamming him onto the ground. His jetpack made a pitiful whine. Heinz could barely watch as the villain grabbed Perry again and swung him against a nearby tree, causing the agent to groan. 

“Hey, ugly!” Heinz shouted. “Who’s the nemesis reject now, huh?”

The Regurgitator snarled and hurled himself at Heinz, who ducked behind the truck. The man’s fist connected with the car window, causing it to crack. Blood began pouring down his knuckles as the glass ripped through his latex gloves. 

Perry had revived, and blasted at the man as he ran towards him. The Regurgitator lifted his own gun, but Perry was faster, ducking and slamming the man in the back of the head with the object. He fell to the ground again, more blood now trickling out of his skull. Heinz watched with an open mouth. He’d never seen Perry fight like that before. 

The agent grabbed the man’s hands and dragged him to the prison gate, where security guards were swarming out, ready to figure out what was going on. Heinz watched from afar as Perry handed the man off. 

“I thought he’s your new nemesis?” Heinz asked meekly, as Perry returned.   
  
“ _Was_.” The agent shrugged. “He’s too boring to listen to.”  
  
Heinz grinned. 


End file.
